


Kimmy Has Some Incorrect Quotes!

by aducklingmuggingyou



Category: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Genre: ABBA lyrics, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Gay Panic, I don’t even know anymore, I don’t know anymore, In the form of texts but it’s still a story kind of, Jane Krakowski look-nods™, Swearinggggg hahaha, TM THAT SHIZ BECAUSE THERE’S A LOT OF IT, drunk Tina fey is amazing tbh, idk what to tag honestly, kimmy is Kimmy and we love her for it, some dirty jokes, sort of storyline, this is a story that me and my friend made up at 3 am lol, this is just all over the place
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 2,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24636226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aducklingmuggingyou/pseuds/aducklingmuggingyou
Summary: Kimmy, singing: I feel pretty, oh so pretty and wittyKimmy, pointing at Jacqueline: you're gay!Jacqueline: *does one of her Jane Krakowski silent nods*-OR-Just as the title says! Incorrect Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt quotes!
Relationships: Kimmy Schmidt/Jacqueline Voorhees, Lillian Kaushtupper/Andrea Bayden
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone!! I just binge watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix and I’m DEAD ITS SO GOOD!! I just love everyone in it!! So funny and amazing and heartfelt and aaahhhhh!!
> 
> Anyway, me and my friend came up with these incorrect quotes around 3 am a couple nights ago, and I thought you all might like to see them! They don’t make much sense, and don’t REALLY follow a story line (though some do), but I hope you all find them funny and enjoy!!! Stay safe!!<33

**Kimmy, singing:** I feel pretty, oh so pretty and witty

**Kimmy, pointing at Jacqueline:** you're gay!

**Jacqueline:** *does one of her Jane Krakowski silent nods*


	2. Dramatic™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jacqueline is her best dramatic self lol!

**Titus:** *walks in* YES BITCH I COULD TELL FROM THE WAY YOU LOOKED AT ME AS IF WE WERE GAY BESTIES FOR THE RESTIES

 **Jacqueline:** Titus can I speak to you in private please? *walks in room and dramatically falls..*

 **Titus:** What is it girl?! I’m supposed to be get my nails done!

 **Jacqueline:** I am gay and that’s OK! 

**Titus:** Oh honey believe I KNOW! PREACH.

 **Jacqueline:** But... I’m in love with Kimmy...

 **Titus:** UM WHAT?!!!! Hell nah we need to go girl!


	3. Besties for the Resties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t remember Meth Head Charlie’s(?) name so I put Charlie lol

Jacqueline: ...but... besties for the resties...

Titus: OH NAH GURL ITS “GAY” BESTIES FOR THE RESTIES

Jacqueline: *pouts*

Titus: so are you going or not Jackie Jay Jay?

Jacqueline: *dramatically sits up only to fall again and sigh* I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO TITUS

Titus: ...you said my name wrong 

Jacqueline: DAMN IT

Lillian: *appears in the window* what’s going ooonnnn in here????? You sound like Meth Head Charlie when his dad kicked him out of his own basement!!

Titus: Lillian this gay mess is your problem now *walks out of the room with a cape swish*

Lillian: SHIT I KNEW IT JACQUELINE

Jacqueline: CRAP


	4. The Game Has Been Lost

**_The next day...._**  
  
Jacqueline: Lalalalalala *skips down the street* 

Kimmy: Oh hey Jackie, can I call you that? It reminds me of a unicorn, no a cat, NO! BETTER... A UNICORN CAT!!!

Jacqueline: Yeah fosho, coolio. Whatevs. Toats Magoats girl! *thinks to herself _DAMN i lost my game_ *

Kimmy: Alrightttt!! Up top! *goes for a high five*

Jacqueline: *also goes in for a high five, then misses*

Kimmy: *pouts*

Jacqueline: Fuck! *cries and runs away in embarrassment*

Kimmy: Ok have a nice day!


	5. Miss Gay Panic™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say that there are some lines that Titus says (aka ones like the last line in this chapter) that are in the show. I don’t mean to be offensive or anything, I’m merely trying to keep everyone mostly in character. I love you all<333

**_ Walking past the steps to the apartment.... _ **

Kimmy: oh hey Lillian! What are you up too? I was walking and ran into Jackie but she was acting really weird. I don’t know if it was something I said, I mean, I was talking about unicorn cats so—

Lillian: WOAH HOLD THE HOUSE PHONE KIMMY! Who r u talking about??

Kimmy: Jackie?

Lillian: ........?

Kimmy: Jac—

Titus, on the phone with Jacqueline, yelling from downstairs: MISS GAY PANIC™, YOU WHITE PEOPLE


	6. Beauty Sleep

Titus: Woah woah woah honey back it up! She called you what?!

Jacqueline: jackie

Titus: OooOoo baby girl ur in luck!

Jacqueline: What?! Why? Who is luck and why am I inside of them?

Titus: Girl were you raised under a rock?

Jacqueline: Well in it has been my bathroom a couple of times- 

Titus: Ok TMI, Noww back to Kim Kim! 

Jacqueline: Well every time I’m around her I- 

*Kimmy enters the building*

Jacqueline: AHHH *she jumps into Titus’s arms*

Titus: *drops her onto the wood floor* Girl don’t even! I have an audition tomorrow and these mamas need their beauty sleep!


	7. What—

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mimi Kanassis makes an appearance!! Yayyy!!

Jacqueline: THAT. I DO THAT.

Jacqueline: WHAT EVEN IS THAT??

Kimmy: what is what? When I was in the bunker, Cyndee used to scream all the time! It’s normal, Jackie

Jacqueline: *faints*

Kimmy: oHNOWAITDONTDIE

Lillian: see what I told you people?

Titus, ignoring Kimmy freaking out over Jacqueline: and what did you tell us exactly?

Lillian: what?

Titus: what?

Mimi Kanassis, head popping out of the shower curtain: whAT?!?!?!?! IS IT BILL COSBEY?? TINA FEY?? YOUR EX WHO LEFT YOU ALONE IN THE SHOWER, ONLY TO DIE IN THE NEXT ROOM OVER????

Everyone in the room: w—


	8. Smooth Moves Kimmy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AAANNNNDDD Andrea appears!! Drunk, obviously

Jacqueline: *wakes up suddenly, sees Kimmy leaning over her and freaks the fuck out* AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Kimmy: jackie, what in the still alive real world?? You look like Donna Maria when that icicle melted!! She was so mad...

Lillian: oh my god just tALK YOU—

Titus: WHITE GAY IDIOTS

Jacqueline: excuse you, I am not white

Titus: wait really??

Jacqueline: ugh whatever.. Kimmy?

Kimmy: ah shoot I lost my hand!

Jacqueline, worried: oh no!! Where is it???? Are you okay????!!

Kimmy: Oh! I found it!! *holds up her hand, now holding Jacqueline’s* right where it’s supposed to be!

Jacqueline, almost fainting again: oh my—

Andrea, falling through the window wearing New Years 2009 sunglasses, a hula skirt and a tank top that says “New York City Fuckers” on it, missing one shoe clearly drunk: fucking fINALLY YOU STUPID BUNKER BITCH I KNEW ITTTTT

Lillian, pointing at Andrea: I like this chic!

Andrea, nodded drunkenly at Lillian: thanks yous I accept this award from Micheal State University and Lilafer—

Titus: okay it’s bed time...


	9. Super Fun!!

Lillian: Wait so Kimmy’s gay now? What else is new. *rolls eyes* WAIT WHERES THE OTHER GIRL MAYBES SHES GAY TO, IN THAT CASE... WERE ALL GAY!!

Titus: Oh my baby jesus-

Jacqueline: C’mon Kimmy let’s run away together! 

Kimmy: *being stupid* Well Jackie I have to warn you I’m a pretty fast. Once in the bunker we had a competition of who could run into the wall the fastest!!!!!! 

Lillian: Well that explains a lot.

Titus: No honey she means since y’all are lovebirds nowwww you go on a... VACCCCAAAAAYYYY!!!! 

Jacqueline: Fun right?

Kimmy: SUPER FUN!


	10. RIP Chad’s Dog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The birth of a new ship!! Lolll

Titus, dusting his hands clean: alright the drunk lady has been apprehended, Jacqueline and the Kimster are out on a Gaycay - trademark Titus Andromedon - and your husband is dead. What do we do now Lillian?

Titus: Lillian?? 

*silence*

Titus: LILLIAN KAUSHTUPPER WHERE ARE YOU????? YOU BETTER NOT HAVE LEFT ME WITH KIMMY KIM KIM’S DRUNK THERAPIST OH MY ADELE DAZEEM

Andrea, yelling from Kimmy’s room: WHY IS THERE TINY BLONDE LADY WITH CURLY SPAGHETTI HAIR LYING NEXT TO ME?????!!!! WHERE AM I???? IF THIS IS MY CHAD’S DOING HIS DOG IS GOOOONNNNEEEEEE


	11. *sobs*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buckley makes an appearance!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little more.... clothing-less. Nothing terrible or graphic, but read at your own risk I guess lol

Titus: *walks into room* OH MY LORD! LILLIANNNN! Get off of this woman, you don’t know where THATS been. 

Andrea: How sweet. 

Titus: Oh no girl. IM OUT!  
*he takes a cab over to Jacquelines apartment, hey everyone needs their gay bestie* 

*bang! thud! crash!*

Titus: JACQUELINE! IS EVERYTHING OKAY GIRLY, BECAUSE IF ITS A BALD MAN WITH A BASEBALL BAT TRYNA ROB UR HOUSE, HELLLL NAhhh!

Jacqueline: Titus, ummmm please don’t come in! 

Titus: No girl i’m not letting some bald guy feel u up! Alright buddy I used to be linebacker and- *opens bedroom door* KIMMY?!

Kimmy: Hi Titus! I’m naked!

Titus: *his eyes super wide* OMG- 

Jacqueline: it’s not what u think-

Buckley: MOM?!! Auntie Kimmy?!

Jacqueline: Quick! Everyone! STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!

Kimmy: you want a cinnamon roll???? That doesn’t seem like something that could work in this situation...

Jacqueline: Kimmy nO!!

Titus, on the verge of tears: oh my gOD WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME???

Buckley: AND ME???

Jacqueline: oh GOD


	12. BUT MOM—

Buckley: Mom I’m GAY!

Jacqueline, does the face: um son we all knew that.

Titus: Oh yeah honey boo boo! Your gay inside and out. 

Mimi: *falls off couch* Buckley it’s ok to be gay!

Jacqueline: Mimi why are YOU naked! This is my moment. 

Titus: No girl it’s mine I just witnessed... i don’t even know what i just witnessed!!! *starts sobbing*


	13. wait what?

Andrea, walking in with Lillian: I don’t know either.

Kimmy, rubbing Titus’ back, still naked: it’s okay Titus! It’s like that time the Reverend walked out on us one morning, not wearing any clothes. We were all scared for life after that, but he didn’t seem all that bothered by it....

Titus, still sobbing: KIMMY THATS... NOOOO GIRL!!!! JUST NO!!

Jacqueline, pulling Kimmy away and back to her bed: honey no... that’s not how that works...

Buckley: sooo is Kimmy my mom now?? Is that how this works??

Kimmy: oh, no. I’m already married, and that would be bad to cheat on him

Andrea: wait what


	14. Windows Part 1

*Andrea passes out*  
  
Titus: It’s time to go girl! *pulls Kimmy’s arm*

Jacqueline: Don’t hurt my Kimmy! *she slaps Titus across the face and pulls kimmy in close- still naked* 

Buckley, watching his mom kiss Kimmy: Let me just jump out the window. 

Jacqueline: Have fun!

Lillian: *runs over to Andrea* Wake up bitch! 

Andrea: K so what’d I miss?


	15. Windows Part 2

Lillian: a lot baby

Andrea: aaawwwe I luv u 222222 babeeee *hugs Lillian and hangs on like a small child*

Titus: I’m too gay for this shit

Kimmy: TITUS!!

Jacqueline: *cackles*

Buckley: okay so can I jump out this window now??

Mimi: OMG LEMME GO WITH YOU PLEASEEEEE

Jacqueline: MIMI NO

Mimi: MIMI YES *runs and jumps out the window, still completely naked*

*several moments later*

Mimi, faintly: I AM STILL FALLINGGGG


	16. Clear the Room!!!

Jacqueline: Sooooo where were we Kimmy? *makes weird grrr*

Titus: Ok buh bye *he turns around and throws up on Buckley* Sorry kid.

Buckley: Really?

Jacqueline: Buckley honey go to bed! 

Buckley: Mom it’s 2pm, you haven’t even made lunch yet. 

Jacqueline: CLEAR THE ROOM


	17. Peppy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cyndee enters!!

Lillian: oh my god...

Andrea: you’re not much better

Titus: stop.... please stop....

Buckley: I stg guys wtfffff

Cyndee: well, I almost got married to a gay guy! It was awesome!! I didn’t know it for a while, but when Kimmy crashed our engagement and wedding, I found out!!

Andrea: do all Mole Women either try to kill someone or are WAY too peppy??

Lillian: pretty much

Andrea: ah


	18. You’re Ruining the Moment

Lillian: what are you _AH-_ ing at?! I live with these sons of bitches and trust me it doesn’t get much better!

Kimmy: We can hear you!

Lillian: Ohh and we can HEAR u *she gags*

Titus: Did you really just- OH ADELE DAZEEM!!

Andrea: I’m outta heeerrreee

Titus: Well that makes two of us.

Lillian: well what about me?!

Jacqueline: You could join usss...

Lillian: WAIT TITUS, RANDOM GIRL COME BACKKKK! 

Kimmy: Shh ur ruining the moment


	19. Pppfffffttt what are names for anyways??

Jacqueline: they hooked up and Lillian still doesn’t know that woman’s name??

Kimmy: ...you don’t either

Jacqueline, does the look: true

——

Andrea, walking fast and riffling through her purse: where are my keys????

Titus: you mean the ones you threw in the river while cursing your ex and his dog?

Andrea: DAMN IT


	20. SPECIALLLLLSSS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ABBA lyrics here we cooommmeeeee!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I was watching Mamma Mia Here We Go Again when I got this idea and no I do not regret it in the slightest

**_ *SPECIAL* _ **

Andrea: Last night I was taking a walk along the river

Jacqueline: And I saw him together with a young girl

Lillian: And the look that he gave her made me shiver

Titus: Cause he always used to look at me that way

Kimmy: Then I thought maybe I should walk right up to her and say

Everyone: Ah-ha-ha, it's a game he likes to playyyyyyy


	21. Tom Cruises????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol my friend wrote this one and let me tELL  
> YOU WHEN I READ THE TOM CRUISE LINE I FRICKING DIED A THOUSAND DEATHS OF LAUGHTER

Arties Daughter: The rabbi has to be lesbian.

*lillian runs all the way to Jacqueline’s apartment* 

Lillian: JACQUELINE! I HAVE AN IDEA!!

Jacqueline: Oooooh is it going a cruise with TOM CRUISE?

Lillian: No! You can be a gay rabbi! 

Jacqueline: YAAASSS *calls kimmy* lets go bitch, time to get religious! 

Mimi: I once set a church on fire by putting a firecracker up my-

Lillian: Woohooo okaaayyy lady....


	22. Dance Wiggle™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so some of you may not know what the Dance Wiggle™ is, but I got u!! It’s in the cold open of Season 4, episode 7, Kimmy Meets a Fire Monster! Jane Krakowski does it around 9 seconds into the episode! It’s adorable!!!

Jacqueline, doing the dance wiggle™: Kimmy!! Look at me!! I’m dancing!!

Kimmy, clapping happily: yaaayyy!!!

Titus: oh honey no...that’s not how....

Jacqueline, still dancing: NO

Lillian, leaning on the counter. whispering to a drunk Andrea who is sitting next to her: what is this girl doing?? *steals Andrea’s bottle and chugs it*

Andrea: hEY!!


	24. SPECIAL #2/Gay Fashion Show

**_ ~SPECIAL~ _ **

Jacqueline: Titus come in here!

Titus: What do you need Jacqueline, ugh the disrespect!

Jacqueline: Lets be in a gay fashion show! 

Titus: Ask Kimmy to be in your stupi- WHAT?! YES! ME? OH MY!!!!!!!

Kimmy: I heard my name! Hahahah *snorts* 

Jacqueline: Yes kim kim, how would you feel about being in a fashion show! 

Kimmy: Oh Jackie! I thought you’d never ask! One time in the bunker me and the girls were in a fashion show, it was called “stripper nation”

Jacqueline: Wow! So inspirational! 

Titus: Ok Kimmy WHY?!

Mimi: Can we do it naked?

Titus: Where did you even come from?

Mimi: Oh um don’t use the bathroom for a while...


	25. Mad Dancing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, you’d have to watch the show to get Kimmy’s angry dancing. Also I’m too lazy to find the scene/episode/season it’s in sooooo lol sorrryyy

Kimmy: *mad dancing*

Titus: Kim Kim kimmyella, you look like you’re constipated AND just ate expired cat food, what’s wrong??

Kimmy: fun fact, I did that once in the bunker. Wasn’t fun, -10/10 would not recommend

Titus: what white nonsense is that??

Kimmy: Jackie taught it to me! She says it’s “cool”!

Titus, shaking just head: .....no.....


	26. Guess wHAT DUMMIES

Andrea: HEY DUMMIES GUESS WHAT

Lillian: you broke your wrist falling off of your chair

Titus: you’re drunk

Kimmy: you stopping drinking!

Jacqueline: you finally got leather pants

Andrea: I—*falls off of her chair*OH FUCK SHIT


	27. Sexy Pottery

Kimmy: hey Titus! Why did I hear you and Lillian screaming about ghosts and sexy pottery yesterday??

Andrea: *spits out vodka*

Andrea: wait what?! HA!!

Titus: 1) you’re too young for that Kimberly 2) since when did you move in here???

Kimmy, pouting: awww

Andrea: how do you know I haven’t lived here longer than you Titis

Titus: again, not my name, and therapy-lady-that-I-don’t-care-the-name-of wHAT??!!??!???!!

Jacqueline, yelling from across the city: WHY IS MY KIMMY POUTING??? WHO DID THIS??? I WILL KILL THEN A THOUSAND TIMES OVER AND THEN ROAST THEM AND HAVE BUCKLEY AND XAN DANCE TO TAYLOR SWIFT ON THEIR GRAVES

Andrea, drunk giggling: hahahahaha you’re deeeeaaadddd

Titus: *faints*


	28. In the way

Lillian: and guess where you are bitch

Jacqueline: .....in your way? We’ve established that Lillian dear

Andrea, about to break a bottle over Jacqueline’s head: HEY NO LILLIAN IS MINE BITCH

Kimmy: WAIT NO DONT HURT MY WITTLE BABY JACKIE 

Jacqueline, literally jumping into Kimmy’s arms: YEAH DONT HURT ME!!

Lillian, rolling her eyes: oh god....


	29. What do you love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no words for this one... but Deirdre is here!!!! Yayyy!!

Kimmy: what do you guys love??

Titus: the lion king!

Lillian: murder

Jacqueline: myself, obviously!

Andrea: every type of alcohol ever—SHIT SORRY I MEANT RUNNING, SHUT UP ANDREA

Mimi: not breathing!!!!!!

Deirdre: PAIN AND FAILURE!!

Kimmy: oh! Sorry, I mean “WHO do you love”! Not “what”. Sorry!

Titus: those are two VERY different things Kim Kam


	30. Secrets

Jacqueline: guys I think we should reveal our secrets!!

Titus: first of all, it’s GAYS, not GUYS, and second of all YES PLEASE OMG WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST??? OKAY I WILL!! ONCE I THOUGHT I MET TINA FEY, BUR SHE WAS FAKE!!! IT WAS AWESOME

Jacqueline: mmm okaayyy who’s next?

Kimmy: I’ll go! I’m technically still married to the reverend, and I can’t go near Velcro or plastic pumpkins!

Jacqueline: wait wh—

Lillian: and I have a child.... kind of...

Sheba, drunk: THAT’S ME BITCHHH

Andrea: what the hell?

Lillian: please don’t ask. She’s not something I’m proud of and she’s not technically mine

Jacqueline: why did I think this was a good idea again?

Titus: I don’t know queen

Jacqueline: oh I know! I just wanted to say that Deirdre almost kissed me once without making it seem weird

Deirdre: you’re wrong honey. That IS weird, and I did it.

Titus, sipping hot chocolate: true true

Deirdre: thanks babe!

Titus: I’m gay

Jacqueline: WE KNOW!!!!

Deirdre: oh my god saaaammmeee

Andrea: who is she?

Lillian: who are YOU?

Andrea: shut up and get over here bitch

Lillian: you’re drunk and I’m not drunk enough

Titus: EEEEEWWWWWW GO AWAY


	31. Homophobic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jacqueline learns their definition of homophobia....kind of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this one tbh

Jacqueline: that’s homophobic!

Andrea: just because someone says or does something you don’t like, doesn’t mean it’s homophobic Jacqueline

Jacqueline: YOU’RE HOMOPHOBIC!!

Andrea: I’m gAY IDIOT


	32. 2% cute and 98% not worth it

Kimmy, sad: I’m like, 2% cute and 98% not worth it :(

Andrea: can you be a 100% mine? :)

Jacqueline: can you 100% fuck off from my woman?

Andrea: I was talking to Lillian bitch

Jacqueline: oh


	33. Sad

Andrea: Liking girls is not my only personality trait!

Andrea: I am also sad

Lillian: and drunk

Andrea: u right


	34. Bull-Sugar!!

Kimmy: how did this happen??

Andrea, in handcuffs, clearly still drunk: well, I was minding my own business—

Kimmy, slamming her hands down on the table: BULL-SUGAR

Andrea: I WAS


	35. What’s Legal???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quote from Queer Eye, season 5!! (I think)

Andrea, drunk: AAANNDD we were married in a legal ceremony dummies!!

Lillian: *snorts* it was NOT legal

Andrea: doesn’t mean it wasn’t awesome!!!


	36. please do!

**Jacquline:** Kimmy!! I could just kiss you right now!!

 **Kimmy:** please do! :)


	37. kitty's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited quote from the Apple TV show Dickinson!! :)

Titus: you are not a cat!!

Andrea: no.

Andrea: tragically, I am sober


	38. Pig Farmers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited quote from the Apple TV show Dickinson!!

Kimmy: Titus! I need you up bright and early tomorrow. Someone is coming over!!

Titus, annoyed: Great. Who is it this time, Kimberly?

Kimmy: A pig farmer from South Hadley! I met his yesterday!

Titus: 

Titus, raises eyebrow: sexy.


	39. Chapter 39

Deidre: Oh! Till tomorrow, then!

Jacquline: I, for one, hope we both live to see it!

Kimmy: Jackie, nooooooo!! *pouts*

Jacquline, panicking: wAIT KIMMY NO DON'T BE SAD BABY I LOVE YOU


	40. I Love You!

Kimmy: jackie!! Guess what??

Jacqueline: what is it?

Kimmy: I love you!!

Jacqueline:

Jacqueline: *faints*

Titus: damnit Kimster, you did it again!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed!! Stay safe lovelies!!<33


End file.
